Thursday, March 11, 2010

What Goes Around

On the 7 train home from work, there were actually a bunch of seats. I stood and waited till everyone who wanted one got one. Luckily for me, there was still another left after that, so I lowered my bag from my shoulder and plopped down.

Of course, there were reasons that this seat was left empty. To my left, was a leg-spreader (you know, those guys who think they look more manly if they spread there legs, when really what happens is you see how little junk is in their package); to my right, two plump ladies decided that in order to continue their conversation, they had to turn sideways and take up three seats between them.

Uh-huh.

Whatever. I got myself into the 1/3 of a seat left by the plump lady, and cozied my leg up to the spreader. If this is how they want it to go, that's fine by me.

Within a few seconds, leg spreader started to freak out. I mean, how gay was this? Instead of being deterred by his body, I actually just plopped right down and TOUCHED HIM. He was butt cheek to butt cheek with a dude!!!

Thirty seconds later, plumpette started flapping her arm like a wing as though I was invading her space, when really all she had to do was face in the right direction and everyone would fit.

I fucking hate these people.

At the next stop, a seat across the way freed up. Do I stay and continue to piss off my companions? Or do I just jump over so I can relax through the rest of my commute? I opted for relaxation and hopped across the aisle, admittedly a little saddened that I couldn't continue fucking up spreader's and plumpette's evening. And then it happened...

A big, fat, dirty, smelly man wedged his ass down between them. They ousted skinny, l'il ol' me and got goddamned Boss Hogg to take my place.

5 comments:

michelenicole said...

i am glad to hear you are writing again. I found one of your posts on Yelp and somehow found myself here on your blog. This last post, with cameo of Boss Hog, made me laugh so hard. Thanks for the hardy laugh on another overcast day in JH!

Kate said...

i was just on a metro yesterday. this made me laugh.

Anonymous said...

I just happened upon your blog, you are pretty funny. I used to ride the train when I lived in Chicago.... yup the " spreaders ".... and yup the Boss Hogs. Now I'm spoiled and live in a smaller city and drive a car. Thanks for the laugh!!

Marti Spudboater said...

I, too just stumbled on to your blog after working on mine and this post about getting a seat on the train nearly had me pee my pants. Please feel better and start writing again. We don't have trains or subways or much of any public transport where I live, but I'll be thinking of this when I'm in Europe this summer on trains, trams and other public transport. Thanks for a good laugh

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